on her mind

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Almost every night when I tell India I love her before she goes to sleep she says “Mama, I’ll love you forever and ever, even when you are dead.”

The obsession with death, questions about it, trying so hard to understand, has been heavy on her mind for the past year.

At Halloween, in passing, I told the kids it was neat that we were having mexican soup for supper, because Mexicans honor their dead every year by making their favorite meals to guide their souls home.

So last night, as I was putting her to sleep, Little Miss asked me “Mama, what is your favorite food?”.

“Pudding”, I replied, “Why?”

“So that when you die, I can make you some pudding.”

Still not remembering the conversation we had 6 weeks ago, I was confused. “Why?” I asked her, starting to cry a bit.

“So that you can come back to us. But how do I make pudding?”

How is it that she can break my heart with 14 words?

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4 responses »

  1. oh yes – this is one of those painful conversations that make me cry. I think it is good that India talks to you about death and asks you these questions. She is processing it and you are there to love her. The idea of leaving my babies fills me with sorrow and them being left (honestly it is tough to even write this comment) – but just being connected to this awareness makes the love flow.

  2. It must be a girl thing (?) as a mama of 3 boys mine have never really questioned it much more than point out the dead snake on the road, and know that grampa is gone, whereas my niece has had the same sort of conversations and obsessions with my sister…..

  3. That’s beautiful! My kids as of late, have been known to both work themselves into a double frenzy of tears, pleading with me to “never die” and to “not leave them”. I’m lost for words, but try to reassure them, that I will “always be with them”.

  4. two posts in a row that brought tears to my eyes. i remember a few years ago alex got really upset when i told him his aunt was going to be a grandma. then i realized that because his grandma and grandpa are ‘angels’ that he has never met, he thought that being a grandma meant that you were an angel and he wouldn’t see you again. you never know how your kids’ minds work. are you going to show india how to make pudding : )

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